I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I would fuck him just for his dog
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
