new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
