Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
this is an emotional support booty call
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
