"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
We talked him into tasing himself.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
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