the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
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Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
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your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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