so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
