Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
