A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Randomize
