I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
You were trust falling into bushes
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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