Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
