There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Just puked most of my soul out..
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
