I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
So much Jack, so little girl.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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