I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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