is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
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