So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
