you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
