I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
