if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I missed Saved by the Bell this morning, but Ashley in a later episode of Fresh Prince is keeping the morning wood alive.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
