My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
