so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Less talking, more tequila
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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