I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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