I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
