what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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