Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
