i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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