he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
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