Betty ford says i'm here all night
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
