I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
i can't believe i had my finger in that
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
