do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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