how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
