i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
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If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I need moral support for this bender
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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