if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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