my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
