So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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