This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
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