Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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