Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
