did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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