so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
