I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
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