I wish my penis had an off switch
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
