So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
