Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
my being single is dangerous.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
