I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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