I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
