and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Help. Why am I so naked?
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
