yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
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