Rock
Scissors
Fuck
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
