I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
