Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
operation have a gay friend backfired
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
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