Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
