There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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