I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
