I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
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