he puts the penis in happiness.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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