mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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