Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
