she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
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She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
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And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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