If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
