You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
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