Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
